Becoming More of Yourself: Motherhood, Aging & Identity

Sondra Ziegler (0:01)

Welcome to Second Half Conversations. I'm your host, Sondra Ziegler. This is a space to discuss all kinds of topics about the second half of life, from complicated legal topics like wealth protection and business succession planning that we break down in a practical way, to long term care planning and care navigation when you have a loved one on a care journey, to leaning into fully experiencing new seasons of life, of work and relationships. Our team and guests are here to equip you to take full advantage of where you're at. Because if done right, the second half is the better half. Let's get to it. Welcome back to Second Half Conversations, the podcast where we explore the challenges, opportunities, and unexpected gifts that come in life's second half. I'm your host, Sondra Ziegler. Today's conversation is one I've been looking forward to sharing because it touches something nearly every woman has wrestled with at one point or another, the fear that somewhere along the way we've lost ourselves. Maybe it happened when we got married, maybe when the children arrived, or maybe when they left. Maybe when we looked in the mirror one day and realized we were much older than we felt inside. My guest today is writer Kate Hamilton. Kate has recently written a series of thoughtful reflections on identity, motherhood, aging, and life transitions. And what I love about her work is that she challenges the assumption that everyday life requires us to give up who we are, that changes in our lives take something from us. Instead, she suggests something much more hopeful that we're gonna explore today, and that is perhaps we aren't losing ourselves at all. Perhaps we're becoming larger versions of ourselves, carrying every season with us as we continue to grow. Kate, welcome back to Second Half Conversations.

Kate Hamilton (2:01)

Sondra, thank you for having me. This is a delight. I'm glad we get to talk about these things.

Sondra Ziegler (2:07)

Well, I'm so glad you're back. I feel like I'm having a little girl time when you're on here because I'm right in the thick of things that you're writing about. And so it really, when I read your work, it it hits me pretty deeply. I I told you before we started recording that I brought my Kleenex with me. I I went to the other room and got my Kleenex because-

Kate Hamilton (2:31)

I hope you don't need it.

Sondra Ziegler (2:35)

So we're going to be talking about themes in three of your recently, published articles in your Substack, which if our listeners have not visited your Substack, I would highly recommend it. It's KateHamiltonAuthor.substack.com. So if you go to Substack and you search for Kate Hamilton, you'll find her page, and Kate publishes, articles and reflections on there periodically. She's also the author of a book. Tell us the whole title again.

Kate Hamilton (3:12)

It's The Imperfect Parent. It's a nonjudgmental guide to raising children in the modern world, because I do not have the answers. I only can tell you that I am the imperfect parent for sure.

Sondra Ziegler (3:28)

Which is why I love talking to you about these things. So the three articles we're going to be talking about today are on your Substack. The first one is, Are We Losing Our Identity or Building One? And, Kate, you wrote this article, after you, or I guess while you were flying home after dropping your oldest son off at college. Tell us about that experience. That can be both exciting and heartbreaking at the same time. I've done that recently.

Kate Hamilton (4:03)

I'm sure there's a lot of parents kind of have either doing in the process, or about to, or have just done that. And, you know, I remember receiving a ton of phone calls, and like, oh, are you okay? Are you okay? And at first, I was like, this is strange. Why are all these people, like, calling me and worried about me? But then when I'm on that airplane coming back, this was my child who isn't my talkative one. And so the first thought came to me is how am I gonna stay connected? Because with him, the way I used to stay connected and get him to talk was that we used to, I used to put him in a car and we used to drive around together and he somehow would open up and tell me his whole life story, but I wasn't gonna have that anymore. And so I was thinking about all these new ways and then it came over me as like, oh, I'm not only these new ways I have to come up with, what is this gonna feel like? What is it gonna be like? And then I'm like, well, this is what it should be. This is what I want for my child to fly. And now why am I getting emotional? And why am I sad? Because he doesn't need me like he did before. And so we spend our whole lives teaching these kids to be independent. And now we throw them into the world. And I got to experience and see his independence in that drop off period, and it made me super proud. But as I sat on that airplane, I reflected back to how do I keep that connection as you know, with all these things that are happening new and and I came up with a ton of different ideas for him in particular, but they're very different than what I do for my other son. And every child is different. And, and that's the thing that goes back to my book that every child is so different. And what I do for my child is not necessarily going to be what's perfect for your child. And that's what I get frustrated with parenting books in general. It's like, Amen. One solution for does not every kid. So, you know, saw that it's a long way to get back to the point that, you know, I was super proud that he was independent, And I wasn't losing him. I had to come up with new ways to connect with him. And that time of figuring those new ways out was, quote, my struggle time. And in that struggle, we're about to learn something. And so I was about to learn how I can connect with them in a different way.

Sondra Ziegler (7:22)

So I love that idea of being intentional about learning, sort of being a scientist about your own child, and trying to figure out how you're going to connect with each one of them individually based on who they are and where they are in life. You describe feeling as though your identity was threatened during several major life transitions. Like in that article, were saying, you know, I think it's normal for us as women to think, especially when the last one leaves the nest, to sort of be blown back a little and feel like, Who am I now? Like, you know, I was wife and mother, and let's be honest, mother takes a big chunk of that for a lot of years. And now I have an empty nest. Many women will immediately recognize that feeling. Walk us through your how your thoughts about that sort of evolved.

Kate Hamilton (8:31)

So at the beginning, I thought, oh my gosh. I I even went back to when I got married, I lost the fact that I was independent in myself and and this woman here I hear me roar. I'm gonna conquer the world kind of attitude. And then when I had kids, I felt like I lost that, you know, the other and then I lost my ability to quote work and have like that as my number one focus. And, but the truth of the matter was I didn't lose anything. I just, I learned even more and I was confusing the changing roles and the changes in my life with quote loss. And I was looking at it as a loss instead of a added. It makes me the person I am today. It's the layers and and a word picture I like to give on this is is that think of a mountain. I mean, like a huge mountain, and you look at the rock and how it formed over centuries, and it has those different colored layers that you can see throughout it. And we, as people, have those layers. And at different times, we're doing different things, and we're learning even more. And and what I say is is that as we master those layers and so as my kids went to college, and I'm quote an empty nester, I mastered my kids flew, and I'm proud of them for flying. And now that's another layer that is part of me that I get to use and take with me to the next. Now I get to spend more time and work even more on my relationship with my husband, because now we're spending even more time together and we don't have buffers of kids anymore that we used to have. My parents, their roles have changed, and I'm becoming more of a caregiver and more responsible for some of the things that, frankly, never had done before. For them, they had always done for me. But as life changes, we don't lose anything, in my opinion. We're just adding to it, and we're learning even more.

Sondra Ziegler (11:07)

One of my favorite ideas, what you're speaking to now, that identity accumulates rather than disappears. And you write how we're simultaneously a mother, a wife, a daughter, a businesswoman, a writer, believer, friend. These are all parts of your identity. Why do women so often feel pressure, do you think, to choose only one of those identities instead of allowing all of this? Which I think is a much, it's definitely more of a life giving mindset than to feel limited?

Kate Hamilton (11:49)

I think that we as people in general want things to be precise and tidy and just one little label. And the truth of the matter is it's not. I mean, like, life is not that simple and and it's layered and complex and messy and and which makes it even better. I mean, and the, the way I like to describe this sometimes is, is that, you know, some of your fondest memories are when everything goes wrong and everything gets messed up and complicated. But then you look back on that, and that was the best camping trip ever, because you worked as a family together, and you know, say the tent caved in because it rained and everybody got wet and but that was the best camping trip. And you keep on telling that story about that camping trip because you all worked together and built it back together. And it wasn't one thing that made that camping trip good. It was this combination of so many different things that happened that were good and bad and messy and fun that made it all work together. And I think simultaneously as moms, we have the opportunity to be a mom, a wife, a chauffeur, a businesswoman. I mean, and I think today more than ever, women are juggling so much and it's exhausting but it's also we need to let it all coexist in the messiness, and messiness is okay sometimes. These parts are all shaping us to become who we are. One thing alone does not make who we are.

Sondra Ziegler (14:04)

That distinction leads to something I've been thinking about while reading your work. Is there a difference between losing a role and losing yourself? Because many of us confuse the two.

Kate Hamilton (14:19)

Completely. And so what I would say is is that we didn't lose the role. We've mastered the role. And so now we're on to something else. I mean, my kids are independent adults, because I mean, I'm not gonna say I mastered it, but I'd like to say they flew. And so that is a way to master. That is to say, I mastered the role and now I'm at a different stage. And I I use the word master. Let me just be really clear here. I use the word master very, very loosely because by no means am I the master at raising kids. I made mistakes and whatnot, had bumps and, again, messy. But what I use the word master here to say is is that I have moved on to the next role, that that is a part of me, and the next role is on top of that layer also. And so, go on.

Sondra Ziegler (15:34)

One analogy in your writing that I found really to be really powerful that illustrates this idea of we're not losing a part of ourselves, we're adding to it, we're adding to our roles, even maybe as one drops off and another one comes to the fore, they're still all working together to create who we are, to develop who we are as people. And you say in, Are We Losing Our Identity or Building One, you say, I don't think our identity is a pie where every new responsibility leaves less of us to go around. I think it's more like a river. Every tributary makes it wider. Every season gives it more depth. What if your last transition didn't take something from you? What if it deposited something into you that wasn't there before? Women already know how to hold complexity. Before lunch, we may be mothers, daughters, wives, professionals, friends, caregivers, problem solvers, counselors, chauffeurs, and planners. We move between those roles without thinking twice. And you just, I'm a mother, I'm a wife, a daughter, a sister, a writer, a businesswoman, a volunteer, a friend, a follower of Jesus Christ, someone who is still learning, still failing, still growing, and still trying to become a better person. And none of those identities compete with one another. They build one another. One thing that I appreciate about your writing is that you don't romanticize difficult seasons. You acknowledge the struggle. I know this from our last conversation and also from reading your book. But you try to find the meaning inside of it. And that is particularly true in your piece about having two young children so close together in age. So in your article, The Stage No One Warns You About on Substack, You talk about your boys, they only fourteen months apart, which all the moms on here understand the struggle of that scenario. But as someone who speaks with caregivers and mothers very often, I know many of our listeners will remember that survival mode, season of life. When you picture yourself back then, what scene immediately comes to mind?

Kate Hamilton (18:07)

I love this question because the scene, I mean, I, it feels like yesterday, this scene, and I am holding one child who is quiet in my arms. My husband is talking to me, but I hear this other child screaming like they're dying. But of course, you know, that scream to me was so much stronger than it was to my husband. He never heard it. He did hear them, but he didn't have the same adrenaline reaction that I always felt when the kids were screaming. And I had a pacifier in my mouth, in my hand here, and just as exhausted as can be. And all I could do is take that pacifier and try to shove it in my husband's mouth. I goes, I just needed the crying to stop. That's it. Make it stop. And he finally, like, held my hand, and he goes, honey, can I take the baby from you? I think you need a nap. And I did. I was so exhausted. But I mean, like, I'm like, please stop the baby from crying.

Sondra Ziegler (19:29)

Make it stop.

Kate Hamilton (19:30)

Make it stop. Make it stop. But I mean, that's the time when nobody tells you about. Nobody tells you how tired you're gonna be. Nobody tells you how exhausted you are gonna be. And frankly, sometimes like if somebody wants to help and wants me to give them a list to help, I'm like, no. Do I have to write a list even? I can't even write a list to ask you to do. Like, just do so anything, please.

Sondra Ziegler (20:06)

There's a moment in that article where you acknowledge that your older son didn't always receive the attention he wanted because of the demands of a newborn were simply overwhelming. And many moms carry guilt from seasons like that. How have you learned to be honest about those realities without continuing to punish yourself years later?

Kate Hamilton (20:31)

Well, the first thing that was a blessing for me to learn was that the times that I couldn't be there for him actually made him super independent and were teaching him how to be an adult. Now, they weren't ideal times. I didn't, you know, wish that on him either. And, but it made him the strong person he is today. So who's to say that my inabilities didn't make him a better able for an adult. Even when I look back at my mother and her, what I go back to say, her flaws or her mistakes, because it's easy to say, to find, to point out somebody else's over yours sometimes. And I say that my mom did the best she possibly could with the information she had. And I am who I am today because of the mom she was then. And so I'm grateful for her flaws, because I wouldn't be who I am today. I wouldn't have had those times to struggle. I wouldn't have had that opportunity to learn. Now, I also had to work on myself and not blame others and find the beauty in my experiences. And that's an inside job. Instead of blaming somebody else. Oh, you didn't do this. I'm not victim. I think all too often, we have this. Well, this person did this to me. This victim mentality. I mean, and I would strongly say to people, you can only control what you can control. And don't take responsibility for somebody else's actions. Take responsibility for your actions.

Sondra Ziegler (23:02)

I think there's something in that too, about whether, I don't know, another way to frame it as well is I see people get stuck in a grief cycle in those things that they wish were different, you know, and then looking at things that honestly, when they're looking at, and I know from reading your book, when you're able to honestly look at maybe how you were raised, how your family operated, and say, this was not healthy, or this aspect of it was so detrimental, or affected me so deeply on this level. As you say, there comes a point when you really do have to choose to work on yourself. Like you say, that's an inside job, and I think it's easy for people to get stuck in a grief cycle over that. And it that can be reinforcing in our brains. If we keep ruminating on that, can build those neural pathways so deeply that you just stay stuck in that loop. And it can be, I was talking one time, and I'm going to talk way out of school right now as far as like my understanding, but I was, I was talking to someone who is deep in dementia research and in just the brain. And he told me that our brains can become addicted to grief. That's where I first encountered that idea. I think they can go as far as being negativity, grief, expectations when when expectations don't meet reality can be horrific for people. And so, you know, my mom tends to have, she's great at seeing the negative in things at times, and she's been working, I spent a week with her, and she's been working on seeing the positive and you can see, like literally watch her face change when she points out something positive versus pointing out something negative. And it's whatever you focus on is what you will embody. And so why embody the negative? Why have all that? Mhmm.

Kate Hamilton (25:57)

You know, and again, where focus goes energy flows, and that's not my saying. That's a Tony Robbins saying. And it's, it's true. You know, if you wanna spend all your energy on negativity and the awfulness, and this is horrible and poor me and that, well, you it's not gonna be the best if you get a if you look for the silver lining and say, what's the good?

Sondra Ziegler (26:28)

And sometimes it can be breaking that cycle can start very small. Just journaling, you know, having a gratitude journal. And if you can't if you can't if you can't write big things, write small things. What are my three things I'm grateful for? I'm grateful for this cup of coffee. Yes. I am grateful for a walk with my dogs.

Kate Hamilton (26:54)

Yeah.

Sondra Ziegler (26:55)

I'm grateful that I woke up this morning and I have, you know, breath in my lungs and energy in my body to do what God's given me to do. And but that that reinforces looking for things to be grateful for, and there's so many things. And it changes how our brain works on a daily basis if we get into that habit. And then at the end of the day, look and see what are the things I'm grateful for that happened today? Were my, what were my wins today?

Kate Hamilton (27:26)

The other thing, people, people tend to think that when you're writing, you're grateful that it's gotta be something enormous.

Sondra Ziegler (27:32)

Exactly.

Kate Hamilton (27:33)

No. I'm grateful I can breathe. I'm grateful. You know? I mean and my kids will tell you they're grateful for the Internet. Okay?

Sondra Ziegler (27:48)

They're grateful they weren't born in the dinosaur days when we like we were.

Kate Hamilton (27:52)

Exactly. I mean, so if you think about it, like, if we it doesn't have to be this grandiose like flowery, beautiful statement that you know, only a, you know, skilled writer can come up with. I mean, no, I'm grateful for air.

Sondra Ziegler (28:17)

Yes.

Kate Hamilton (28:18)

I'm grateful I woke up. I mean, and and as you go on, you're gonna the more you start searching for the things you're grateful for, the more you'll be grateful for.

Sondra Ziegler (28:30)

Yes. You also raise an important question in that same article, The Stage No One Warned You About, where you're talking about the difficult phase when you have young children, kind of a universal thing where you say, you raise a question about how we respond when another woman is struggling, but we could say any person. Why do you think our instinct is often to offer an a solution, another parenting strategy, a piece of advice, when a lot of times what people need is just empathy?

Kate Hamilton (29:11)

Yeah. Advice makes us feel good. We feel like we're solving their problems. It doesn't make the person feel good, and it doesn't necessarily solve their problems. And so it's, we, if we just sit in their discomfort and sit in there and truly empathize with the person going through this hard moment, we then are taking on that uncomfortable feeling, and and truly empathizing with the person and hopefully taking away some of that, allowing them to get out that hurt, and that that struggle, because most of the time our advice. It's not going to be helpful. I mean, I I wrote this article about it, because I just did just that, and I was like, Oh, that was the worst thing in the world. Like, why did I do that? I know better like, but even I screwed up and I went back the next day and apologized to the mom and I'm like oh my gosh I was a fool and I'm sorry and let me just give you a hug and this is like hey this is hard and I'm sorry you have to go through it and I'm sorry you're at this stage and I'm wish I could take this away from you but I can just sit here with you and if there is something you need, please tell me and no nothing that you say to me is is I mean, I'm either gonna say I can do it or can't. Period. But tell me, at least if I can, then I will. These women feel like they're on an island by themselves sometimes. The best way to put it.

Sondra Ziegler (31:26)

Yes. Or that we have to have it all together.

Kate Hamilton (31:30)

Oh, have to have it all together. That's one. Yeah.

Sondra Ziegler (31:34)

You write sympathy tries to find the silver lining, or offer a solution. Empathy just says, I know what that feels like, and I'm not going anywhere.

Kate Hamilton (31:44)

Yeah. You talk about the discomfort of just sitting with them in a hard situation. So many times we avoid that because we don't know what to say, or and we don't know what to do, or there's no solution. There's no obvious solution, and so it just feels awkward in a way. But what I'm realizing as I'm getting older is just what you say, just sitting with somebody in whatever it is they're going through. You don't have to know anything or even say anything, really, other than I'm sorry, I'm I'm with you, this is hard. This is, you know, that's the greatest gift is your presence. It really, it really is. When you're going through something hard, and somebody just gives you a hug, how does that feel? I mean, for me, it means the world. And because they can't solve my problems, I need to solve it. They can give me suggestions, but sometimes if I'm not willing to ask for those subject suggestions, they shouldn't freely give them because maybe that's not what I need at that moment in time.

Sondra Ziegler (32:59)

What's fascinating, and I wanna transition to your article, The Age I Never Planned to Be. What's fascinating is whether we're talking about early motherhood or the empty nest, many of these emotions sound remarkably similar. We're continually adjusting to versions of ourselves we never expected to become. And that brings us to your reflections on turning 55. So you tell a wonderful story about standing in an airport security line and unexpectedly feeling proud of your age. Yeah. I think a lot of listeners will be curious about that moment. What, what changed? What were, what were you thinking about?

Kate Hamilton (33:43)

So, so I'm standing in the security line, and I noticed behind me is this father who my son went to school with his daughter, and he has another, he has a son also just a year younger, and we knew the family, but we had we had lost touch because, you know, we would see each other at school because of our kids were in the same grade and whatnot. And I'm sure all of us have those kind of friends and that when we were in line, oh my gosh it was like, hey what is your daughter doing? What is your son doing? What's going on? This and that. And I found myself telling how all about the time when my son is calling me, and when my other son is calling and inviting me to go do things, and how, you know, one son invited me to go travel with him, and the other son invited me to go to dinner with him and his friends. And I was so proud at that moment that my boys wanted me in their lives. And I knew that I had to be 55 years old now because they've been away for a long time and on their own for this long now and they're actually calling me and asking me to be a part of their lives and to me that was just the most rewarding you know and it really 55 represented everything I had lived long enough to build. And so that's why I was proud to be 55 because I had built this relationship with my kids.

Sondra Ziegler (35:36)

Can I tell you something that goes right to that that I saw just the other day on X? Someone posted someone I don't know who this is, but posted the only real wealth at this stage of life is having adult children who want to spend time with you.

Kate Hamilton (35:56)

And and I I completely agree with them. And I would say the other thing I would say is that they want to spend and I get to be on their board of influencers still that they still want my input and advice, But I have for me, especially one of my bad habits. I have to be careful not to give advice, and not to give when when not asked for, which, you know, a lot of us can identify. We can identify. And so, and I have to let them make their own mistakes and learn from those mistakes. And and I hate I struggle to call them mistakes anymore. I call them learning opportunities. I have to let them go through their struggle. And sometimes as a mom, I don't like to watch that them go through, especially when they were littler. But now as an adult, it's like, oh, oh, we can just do it this way. But I also get to learn sometimes by watching them go through it another way to do it that I didn't even think of. So I'm learning also by watching them.

Sondra Ziegler (37:27)

So you joke that in this article, you joke that in Puerto Rico, you're 18, but in The United States, you're 21. It's funny because almost everyone recognizes that feeling. Why do you think there's such a gap between the age reflected in the mirror, you know, and on the calendar, and the age we experience internally? I And think for you, what is that?

Kate Hamilton (37:52)

For for me, that the reason I say 18 in Puerto Rico and 21 in The US is that's the drinking age. 18 in Puerto Rico is the drinking age and 21 in The US. And I say, because do you remember when you turned 18 or remember when you turned 21 and you could drink and you felt like you were this adult and you felt like you had the whole world in front of you and you got you could do so much more. You could travel. You could learn. You could do and you can embrace all these new things and experiences. And so every day I wake up and I feel like I'm 21 years old and I can, I have all those opportunities in front of me? And so that's really, it's my spirit. I want to have the spirit of every day when I wake up of a 21 year old, even though my body keeps track that I really get to keep high.

Sondra Ziegler (38:49)

You know, that reminds me of when my roommate and I in college, we were about the same age, like, just a few days apart. When we turned 21, we, you know, we went to college in a Dry County.

Kate Hamilton (39:01)

Oh, wow.

Sondra Ziegler (39:02)

And so we had never had any alcohol before we were of age. And when we turned 21, we decided we were gonna go to, we were gonna go out to a club and listen to some live music. I remember sitting there and having our first drink and listening to this live music, and boy, we thought we we were we had arrived. Yeah.

Kate Hamilton (39:23)

And that's that feeling that I want to always have and always maintain is that feeling that, hey, I'm here and look at all the cool things I get to con be curious about, learn about, see, do. And I don't want to lose that.

Sondra Ziegler (39:46)

Your mother famously answered questions about her age by saying she was 21. When you were younger, what did she, what did you think she meant by that, and what do you understand now that you couldn't understand then about her answer?

Kate Hamilton (40:02)

Yeah, so when I was young, I always thought she was just trying to say how young she was, and we have this association with beauty and age. And so what she was, what as a kid, I thought it was, was saying, I'm still pretty because I am only just a little over 21. And so that's why, because I'm so young, I'm so pretty. But what I learned later on was she had a spirit within her that she didn't want to ever lose. And she associated that spirit with a 21 year old, just the way I am also associating it with myself, and she carries that younger woman forward in everything she does, or that's what she wanted to do. And that was her, I think, you know, looking back, I think as an adult now understanding my mom, that's the way I see it is, is that she carried that spirit and wanted to continue that spirit regardless of what age she, that she was.

Sondra Ziegler (41:17)

And, and you say that, you know, now she's what, 81?

Kate Hamilton (41:21)

81, yeah.

Sondra Ziegler (41:22)

She's 81. She's still driving.

Kate Hamilton (41:24)

Oh, yeah.

Sondra Ziegler (41:24)

She's still doing she's still very active.

Kate Hamilton (41:27)

Yes.

Sondra Ziegler (41:28)

And so there's something to that mindset. You know, you've written about the surprising realization that your sons may see you the way that you once saw your own mother. And why is that realization so startling?

Kate Hamilton (41:42)

Well, because there was a point when I went to college, and I realized my parents have flaws. And so it's a startling realization to have your for me to realize that the kids realize that I have flaws. But of course they realize I have flaws, because one of the things I write about in my book was is that I actually had them help me work on some of my flaws when they were young. And one in particular that I write about is, is that I used to speak in a very loud, well, the truth of the matter is screaming voice at them when they weren't doing what I wanted, I just screamed. And I grew up in an Italian Irish family, and that's like, that's how you talk to people. I mean, but with my husband and my boys, they did not like the screaming and they were, you know, not it didn't help either. And so that was one thing that I got the boys to help me work on, and so I gave them permission, say, Mom and they came up with lots of funny ways to do, but to say, you're screaming. Because frankly, I didn't even know I was screaming at times. Just would raise my voice and raise my voice and raise my voice, and it just happened. And again, I didn't even realize at times, and the best way to change something, the first thing you have to do is realize you're doing it. And so they gave me the realization. I allowed them to give me the realization. And one of my thoughts was, is that if they see me working on something, and if they're actively helping me to work on something that we've identified, I want to change on, then hopefully they actively won't pick up that bad habit and carry it on later on in their lives. And so, and they're not screamers, which is delightful.

Sondra Ziegler (43:59)

55 wasn't an age you imagined yourself reaching. So now that you're here, what have these years taught you that your 35 year old self simply could not have known?

Kate Hamilton (44:13)

You know, life is complex. It's wonderful. Keep learning. Keep keep struggling. Keep trying new things that everything adds up to make you who you are today. And if we took all of it, made everything super easy, then we wouldn't have any grit. If we took out the hard things, and we wouldn't feel accomplishment when we did those hard things. And so especially with boys, the one thing, you know, I always used to say, like, well, do they want to, like, climb these big mountains, and like, go? My boys like to free dive and they keep on wanting to go deeper and deeper on one breath and it terrifies me, but they do it responsibly and in safe conditions, but it's not something that mom wants to sit and watch at times.

Sondra Ziegler (45:29)

No.

Kate Hamilton (45:29)

Because again, it terrifies me, but with the struggle, with the, those comes achievement. And we are humans who like to achieve things. And I think that that's part of learning and becoming an even better person. I think it's important to take the talents that God gives us and do something with them in a way that glorifies him. And that's what 55, that's the stage I'm at. That I get that opportunity. I don't have to worry about raising my kids, you know, and, and teaching them how to fly. They're flying. But I get to show them how I get to use my talents to help others.

Sondra Ziegler (46:30)

Kate, these articles cover very different seasons. New motherhood, children leaving home, turning 55, reimagining identity. And yet as I read them, I found myself hearing the same question underneath every story. Can we honor who we've been without believing our most meaningful days are behind us? When you look at all these pieces together, what do they reveal about becoming? Because the way you write on this topic is so moving to me that I'm I'm I'm hoping our listeners hear the same source of inspiration. Tell us about becoming in this stage.

Kate Hamilton (47:16)

You know, I think, I think that every, everything that we experience in life adds up and makes us who we are today. And so, we need this, this idea of becoming is something that we keep on becoming. And I think that a lot of times people stop, stop learning, stop they quote retire to nothing and I would strongly urge people to say hey we get the opportunity to keep on learning, keep on becoming, keep on using the talents again, that using those talents to serve others in a manner. And my talents are gonna be different than somebody else's and your talents and everybody's looks different and there's nothing wrong with that. But figure out, I mean, unless we're dead, we're still becoming. Right. That's, that's my whole point with this. And we're not losing is the key here. We're becoming even more. We're adding to our lives and layers and we're not loo and that was my kind of blockage or thing that I had to overcome was that I thought that each stage took something away and was like a pie taking it away but it's a river like I wrote about it's the river that's depositing even more and giving us and creating. I mean, from one day to the next, go back and look and even in our looks, if we take something as simple as our looks and if we look at ourselves in a positive manner, I have a friend, she has a podcast, it's called Silver Disobedience. And her whole idea is that she's silver. Her hair is as silver as can be. And she's going to defy what society has told her that she's at this age that she just retire and no longer do anything. And she's like, no. I'm at the point where woo hoo, I get to do even more. And she's thriving and created this podcast and just learning a ton. And it's just so wonderful to see that, you know, she's not going by the standards of what people say or think she's creating her own standards for herself. And I think it's wonderful. And that's what we need to praise women who are breaking the rules that other people have set for them. Let them make their own rules. It's their life. I think there's nothing wrong with that.

Sondra Ziegler (50:36)

And my goodness. When you have all the richness of life and you've had all of these roles and you've learned so much and suffered through so much and, learned to overcome so much. The world is poor if we don't do that, if we don't offer what we have and what we've been given and our identity and that piece of Imago Dei that lives inside of each one of us that we were made to live out.

Kate Hamilton (51:14)

Mhmm.

Sondra Ziegler (51:14)

The world's a poorer place if we don't do that. Yeah. As we close today-

Kate Hamilton (51:20)

I like to I like. Can I just put it in a positive?

Sondra Ziegler (51:23)

Yes.

Kate Hamilton (51:24)

Is that the world is a better place when each woman continues to become the person that God wants them to be, and at different stages and ages, it looks different, but it's building and creating to layer on top of, to be an even better person.

Sondra Ziegler (51:48)

That's beautiful. Thank you. As we close today, I'd love to leave our listeners with a question. If a woman finishes this conversation and turns off this podcast while driving, exercising, or just folding laundry, what is one question you hope she asks herself about the woman she's becoming?

Kate Hamilton (52:10)

I think we just, just, just leave it at that question. Who am I becoming? Because I think if we all allow ourselves to dream and create. Not reinvent, not look at the loss, but who am I continually becoming? And is that what I want to pursue? And I think that's the question like how what do I need to do to continually to learn to to grow to be that person that to use my talents, my special talents that are so different than anybody else's. That how can I give back to others? So again I'm going to go back to simple and say Who am I becoming? And just ponder that.

Sondra Ziegler (53:18)

Kate, thank you for such a thoughtful conversation. One of the themes I hear throughout your writing is that growth isn't about replacing who we once were. It's about carrying those earlier versions of ourselves forward with gratitude while remaining open to who we're still becoming. So for our listeners, perhaps that's the invitation today. Not to mourn every version of yourself you've been, not to cling to seasons that have passed, but to recognize each chapter has something valuable and has added to the person you are now, and that your story is still growing.

Kate Hamilton (53:56)

Mhmm.

Sondra Ziegler (53:57)

And you are still becoming. So take that mindset with you today. Thank you for joining us on Second Half Conversations. Kate, thank you so much for being with us again.

Kate Hamilton (54:09)

Thank you, Sondra. This was delightful and I look forward to more conversations.

Sondra Ziegler (54:15)

Well, for our listeners, if this episode encouraged you, please share it with someone who may need the reminder that becoming older doesn't mean we stop becoming. Until next time, take care of yourselves and one another. Situation. Thanks again for joining us today for this conversation and remember to make the second half the best half.